By Elle Ryan, Resident in Counseling
Most of us go through life with an understanding of how uncomfortable the feelings of both shame or guilt can be. But can we distinguish the differences between them? As children we may be taught that we feel shame when we do poorly on a test or feel guilty when we steal a cookie from the cookie jar. When those feelings are bigger and become painful, we may try to hide away parts of ourselves that feel irredeemable or despicable.
Researchers, such as Brene Brown, have identified the profound differences between the feelings of shame and guilt, describing guilt as feelings that can be adaptive and helpful. Guilt holds onto something that we have done or have failed to do that goes against our values. This psychological discomfort is a signal that can help us take action to remedy whatever has gone wrong. We feel guilty for our behavior, which may push us to change our behavior to a more positive outcome.
However, shame is an intensely painful feeling that often becomes embedded in our identity. Those who carry shame often believe they are flawed because of something they have done or failed to do. Therefore, shame makes us believe we are unworthy of love, belonging or connection. Shame is neither productive nor healthy, as it causes destructive and hurtful behavior due to fear of judgment, rejection, and disconnection. We feel shameful about our behavior as a reflection of our sense of self, but do not change our behaviors because we believe we are unworthy of love and belonging.
Simply put, guilt tells us, “what we did was wrong,” while shame tells us, “what you did makes you a bad person.”
So how do we overcome shame and begin to believe that we are capable of change, love, connection and belonging? Although remaining nonjudgmental and applying self-compassion is considered the key to healing of shame, here are some extra strategies:
● Face the cause of your shameful feelings.
● Increase awareness of how you talk about yourself.
● Practice mindfulness.
● Recognize the moments when you experience shame and validate your feelings, instead of running away or trying to get rid of your feelings.
● Seek support from healthy relationships or a therapist.
Allowing yourself to confide in trusted peers regarding your feelings can help you process and overcome your shame. Consulting a mental health professional is a good place to start for those in need of empathy and guidance for working through their shame.
If you’re looking for a therapist to help you manage your feelings and overcome shame, contact Counseling Connect! Elle Ryan is accepting self-pay and Medicaid clients. To book an appointment with her, email elle@counseling-connect.com or call (540) 391-0511. As always, we look forward to connecting with you!
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